Wednesday May 24: Today I met with Pope Francis of Assisi. Pope Francis is a very nice man but he has been badly let down by his interior decorators. He met us in his private office, a very boring room, mostly white with some marble flooring. His desk was really old — so old — and the wallpaper was very boring. I told him I knew a very good contractor who could do a lovely job for him, get him some gold leaf, some nice frescoes and a big-screen TV. “You need to see my friend,” I said. “Frankie the nose, we call him. Tell Frankie I sent you. He’ll do you a really nice deal.”
The Pope was very kind and quietly spoken although I didn’t understand everything he said because he was speaking in Mexican. He kept telling me he was very worried about the environment, so I said to him: “That’s what I’ve been telling you, you need to give Frankie a call. He’ll brighten up the whole environment for you.” Later we had a tour of the public areas of the Vatican. I couldn’t believe it — all these beautiful decorations and amazing ceiling paintings. I said to the Pope: “You should tell your people to get that Michael guy to paint a few ceilings for you.” I think he was impressed by my thinking. He’s a very forward-looking guy. By the next time I go back I’m sure he’ll have the place in shape. He’s really long range in his thinking too. At one point he asked me if I thought Mike Pence would make a good president.
For a man of his influence I told him I was surprised he had only 10.8m followers on Twitter — Steve says that’s because he’s a communist global elitist. Steve says he may also be Jewish. It explains a lot because whenever I ask Steve something he always says, “is the Pope Catholic?”. I guess he hoped I would use this visit to find out. He did have all these crosses around the place, but then he made Melania wear a veil when they met, so perhaps he’s Muslim. If Islam has spread as far as the Vatican then we have a very big problem. A big problem.
I mentioned I had 30m followers on Twitter making me the most widely followed president in history and only 65m behind Justin Bieber and offered to give him some tips about getting more followers. He said he wasn’t worried as he had 1.1bn of them worldwide. Not according to Twitter, he doesn’t. Look at the numbers. Look at the numbers.
He urged me to work for PEACE and I said I told him about my visit to the Middle East and that King Salman was a very good man and that he was going to work for PEACE. I also reminded him that after I talked to Benjamin Netanyahu and Mahmoud Abbas they both agreed they wanted to settle the Israel-Palestine conflict so I’ve probably brought PEACE in the Middle East conflict too. We’re not there yet, not there yet, but I think we are getting close. I think we can do it.
Thursday May 25: In Brussels. So good to be in Europe away from the fake news media and their lies about Russia. Met EU leaders like the head of Belgium, which is a little-known country somewhere in France.
Lunch with the new president of France, a very cool guy even if he does have a girl’s name. Very cool guy, smart, very forward-thinking; we had a lot in common. We are going to do a lot of good things together, as soon as France leaves the EU. He always had a lot of facts at his fingertips, very smart. I think he gets his information from TV. He kept quoting someone called Molly Air, who is a news anchor, I think. Or maybe she writes a column, I don’t know.
Also looking forward to meeting obselete, freeloading Nato leaders to tell them to help kick Isis’ butt. They need to do more, we want much more. A lot of them asked if Mike Pence would make a good president. They really think long term here. I guess it’s all that history they have.
An angry, tall woman who turned out to be prime minister of England confronted me about leaks from our intelligence services about the Manchester bombing. The Brits are very angry about Americans giving out secret information to the newspapers. Told her she didn’t need to tell me about intelligence leaks. Those guys are out of control.
She asked about Mike Pence. He’s a big hit in Europe. Must tell him.
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