Too fat for first class

I don’t ever get into the airline sleeper suits because they are not large enough for my frame

Drop the racket at Wimbledon

The yobbish shouting in between points by spectators is egotistical, inconsiderate, selfish, vulgar and thuggish

Know your placement — and other table manners

The days when the row of cutlery either side of the plate was set as an obstacle course for the uninitiated are gone

What a knight at Bognor Butlin’s

Sir David Tang, agony uncle, solves you’re dilemmas: this week, why three-star beats five-star; and the myth of the ‘hard pillow’

Airport frisks ring my bells too

‘Because I am very ticklish, I get the giggles when told to extend my arms horizontally

Checkout time at the hotel snooty

Scratch the surface of a concierge’s snobbery, and you end up with a mediocre tourist guide with pedestrian knowledge

Elementary, dear reader

There are no ‘safety’ rules in commercial travelling for breast implants, so there should be no alarm over private jets

How to beat the system of restaurant reservations

Vulgar solutions are the most effective for vulgar dining places. Otherwise, forget about going to them

Forget ‘balanced’ decor in country houses

God forbid if Marie Kondo, the earthly goddess of Japanese minimalism, were let loose at Castle Howard or Blenheim

What to buy someone who has everything

For a rich man, how about getting a dozen rubber ducks with the name of his yacht on them?

Maximalists in cramped spaces

The Japanese will tell you they feel perfectly adequate living in a capsule, as long as they get into the right frame of mind

‘Respect knuckles’ to old fogeys

I particularly like the words ‘shu’ up’, when shouted out slowly without the sound of the consonant

Why have personalised number plates?

‘I remember the wife of porn king Paul Raymond once had a Jaguar with the registration FU 2’

Plane talk sends me into a tailspin

Dearest Tracey, you stick to your bed, and try not to unmake me in my column

Chaucer reversed

‘In any vast lift lobby, there would always be an ocean of people moving with bowed heads and arched elbows’

My ‘Carry On’ with a Blue Nun

We should never forget the good old days when there wasn’t so much snobbery about wines

The day I smoked a $4,000 cigar

It was the most extravagant thing I had ever done in my life and bordered on being obscene

What ever happened to tiffin?

Would one prefer to spend the money on a jacket, or spend it on a journey to see how ethical fashion is executed?

Tattooed pigs, and life after ‘Top Gear’

In a hypothetical world, we could cast Oddjob as my driver Alex, and maybe a hungry Jeremy Clarkson as Tang

The real meaning of ‘high’ tea

At school it usually consisted of sandwiches made with Marmite or cheese or both


David TangDavid Tang, the FT's Agony Uncle, answers readers' questions about property, interiors, architecture and gardens although he often strays beyond his remit to debate concerns about everything from etiquette to grammar.

Tang is the entrepreneur who founded China Tang and iCorrect, and he has homes principally in Hong Kong, mainland China, London and Essex .

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