Welcome to the worst day of my life

It would begin with me waking up in a room full of empty cans and full ashtrays after a party somewhere in the Midlands

Did you solve my conundrum?

It has driven people completely mad. I have had telephone calls in the middle of the night from friends offering me their solutions

How to react to a friend’s new facelift

My view is that plastic surgery should never have gone beyond its original invention as a means to rectify traumatic injuries

How to deal with noisy theatregoers

‘If that doesn’t work then bring out your extended selfie stick and protrude it in front of the noisy offenders’

How I would spend my perfect day

From waking up with Julie Christie (just kidding) to lunch in Venice, a cigar in Havana and dinner with Einstein

Butler sought, humans need not apply

Even for Zuckerberg, replicating that unflappable poise will be a daunting challenge

airplane cabin and passengers
©Dreamstime

The secret to flying in economy class

Allow me to let you in on a procedure that involves a series of imperceptible moves performed with total stealth

LONDON, ENGLAND - NOVEMBER 15: (EMBARGOED FOR PUBLICATION IN UK TABLOID NEWSPAPERS UNTIL 48 HOURS AFTER CREATE DATE AND TIME. MANDATORY CREDIT PHOTO BY DAVE M. BENETT/GETTY IMAGES REQUIRED) (L to R) Fiona Young, Kate Moss, Sir David Tang and Lucy Tang attend an after party celebrating the launch of 'Kate: The Kate Moss Book' hosted by Marc Jacobs, published by Rizzoli New York and supported by Ciroc Ultra Premium Vodka at 50 St. James on November 15, 2012 in London, England. (Photo by Dave M. Benett/Getty Images)
©GETTY

The day Kate Moss and I got tattooed

I didn’t want to appear a weed and ended up with a boring black square, as I was doing a crossword at the time

A grumpy old man? Me?

There are no excuses for half-witted sales staff, egotistical Dorian Grays, or nauseating ‘brand-builders’

Why it’s acceptable to eat in public

I often like eating a Cornish pasty on a railway station bench with the wife. It’s very romantic

My nightmare trip to buy a bed

When I tried to get a simple answer about stock, size or style, I ended up almost spitting blood

Why I pass the gentleman test

A gentleman might be unafraid to speak the truth — but lying is sometimes necessary

The one-handed Chinese takeaway

After three days of deliberations, the outcome was an ice-cream cone into which one could put sweet-and-sour pork

I’d give my arms to play Brahms

I only became an FT columnist by fluke . . . It won’t ever happen again

My favourite 10 restaurants

‘Old school’ venues are beautiful, delicious, atmospheric, calm and, most of all, relaxed. Designers should learn from them

Why London beats Singapore

The main problem with Singapore is that it is a tiny country jam-packed with goody two-shoes

How to wind down without getting wound up

Usually I just go home, fling my shoes off, get a cold fizzy drink and sit down with my dogs — and perhaps try to irritate my wife

Making a meal of going Dutch 

It’s usually those with less money who order the more expensive items in a group that splits a restaurant bill

Where disloyalty is welcome

A good pair of shoes requires constant wearing, so that they develop proper creases and a sense of maturity

Why I don’t have a wine cellar

You can’t blame the person who orders more extravagantly than others because you could have done so yourself

ABOUT DAVID

David TangDavid Tang, the FT's Agony Uncle, answers readers' questions about property, interiors, architecture and gardens although he often strays beyond his remit to debate concerns about everything from etiquette to grammar.

Tang is the entrepreneur who founded China Tang and iCorrect, and he has homes principally in Hong Kong, mainland China, London and Essex .

To receive an email alert for David Tang, sign up at the top of any his columns.

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