‘Was this stratospherically powerful man really making small talk about Chinese food and jackets?’

‘When asked a binary question, a politician’s answer should be “yes” or “no”, a practice that is beyond 99.99% of them’

Just remember: if you ever decide to remonstrate with a cabbie, make sure you can run just slightly faster than him

‘Board members have had it too good for too long . . . let’s “out” them from their snug seats of complacency’

‘Sometimes, especially in Asia, variations of the tapering consist of an origami butterfly or pyramid. All of which are irritating’

‘If your father is indifferent to music, he might as well hang a horn, trombone, trumpet and tuba on his wall’

‘Some credit cigar bands to Catherine the Great in Russia who wanted to avoid tobacco stains on her fingers or gloves’

Only one of the locks on my suitcase is broken, but the company says it must replace both. Here is part of our email exchange

‘Shoeshining requires a great deal of training, not to mention supreme diligence and pride’

At school I was erroneously put off Latin, but I was mesmerised by the classical Greek legends

‘The man is supposed to take the rap by walking on the kerb side. I try to practise this courtesy to women, unless they irritate me’

‘I must confess that whenever I check on a lulling silence, it is always 20 to or 20 past the hour’

‘Of course, I don’t wear high heels, but I can easily imagine the discomfort if worn for several hours on the trot’

‘Maybe Merkel should wait until Trump visits Germany and she could withdraw her hand just as he stretches out his’

‘The officer asked if I’d been drinking. I confessed I’d had a couple of Pimm’s, a few glasses of white wine and a double shot of cognac’

‘The best time to talk to your fiancé about a prenup is when he is brushing his teeth, which minimises his ability to speak’

‘I would buy one of those toy flatulence devices and press it to coincide with your colleague’s whistling’

‘I have sent off emails with hardly any words but links to Spotify, highlighting what I consider to be appropriate tunes’

‘Curiously, the Chinese president, like Trump and Putin, sometimes wears his jacket unbuttoned. And they all wear red ties’

‘I hope David Beckham doesn’t have to wait until he is 89 to be made a “sir”, like Ken Dodd’

‘Those of us who love dogs will always ascribe the same kind of feelings we have as humans to them’

‘Any immigrant who starts work as an adolescent and survives America successfully is bound to be smart’

‘Only two years after being passed over for promotion Einstein published four extraordinary scientific papers’

‘It’s an unfathomable mystery how music can make our mouths gasp with breathlessness’

‘Patronising restaurant managers delude themselves into believing they are the gatekeepers of Belshazzar’s feast’