Tom Greeves

Tory stand-up comic, former speechwriter for Boris Johnson

Be meaner to the Lib Dems. They shouldn’t be in government – they lost five seats in 2010. You can’t do without them yet, but you can undermine their confidence. Make Clegg, Cable or Huhne cry at every cabinet meeting.

Ditch the localism thing. Look around the conference hall – do you really want to give more power to councillors?

Swot up on Aston Villa. If you keep telling everyone you’re a massive fan, it’s only a matter of time before a TV presenter asks you who scored the winning goal in the 1982 European Cup Final.

Grow a moustache. If people don’t see their prime ministers visibly age in office, they think they’re idle.

Make Norman Tebbit chairman again. A great tactician does something every now and then which completely blows everyone’s mind.

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