Tory stand-up comic, former speechwriter for Boris Johnson
● Be meaner to the Lib Dems. They shouldn’t be in government – they lost five seats in 2010. You can’t do without them yet, but you can undermine their confidence. Make Clegg, Cable or Huhne cry at every cabinet meeting.
● Ditch the localism thing. Look around the conference hall – do you really want to give more power to councillors?
● Swot up on Aston Villa. If you keep telling everyone you’re a massive fan, it’s only a matter of time before a TV presenter asks you who scored the winning goal in the 1982 European Cup Final.
● Grow a moustache. If people don’t see their prime ministers visibly age in office, they think they’re idle.
● Make Norman Tebbit chairman again. A great tactician does something every now and then which completely blows everyone’s mind.