Johnny Depp in 'Mortdecai'

Johnny Depp is a calamity in a moustache in Mortdecai.

The story conference must have been a thigh-slapper — little else is — as stars Depp, Gwyneth Paltrow and Ewan McGregor, under guidance from director/ex-screenwriter David Koepp (Jurassic Park), piled up their whims and vanities to speculate: “Wouldn’t it be hilarious if we all did ultra-posh English accents and told a comical European tale (based on a book by Kyril Bonfiglioli) about art theft and crime capers?”

Short answer: no. Long answer: it is not enough to fall about and do funny voices. You need a script with actual wit and verifiable verve.

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