The scene: Frankfurt motor show. A huge darkened room. At the centre is a sports car festooned with women in black turtleneck sweaters. A man in a dark shirt walks on to the stage and begins speaking in a stage whisper.
“In the 1980s we changed computing. In 2001 we revolutionised music with the iPod and then iTunes. In 2007 we built the iPhone and changed the way we live. In 2015 we made the Watch, which changed time. Now we are taking the next leap. Today I want to show you the future of transport. We are calling it . . . Car.
“That’s right . . . Car. Not Apple car or iCar and not even The Car. Just Car. We are not wasting a single letter — there is not one excess consonant or vowel. Because today we are redefining personal transportation. Car is like nothing you have ever seen before. Before Car there were only cars. Now there is only Car.
“We are so excited about this and I want to share some of Car’s amazing new features. Let’s start at ground level. Car has an amazing new chassis, built entirely from a new type of carbon fibre we designed specially and which we are calling Car-Bonfybre. It is the lightest chassis ever, but I want to show you something even more amazing. This chassis rests on four beautiful axle-mounted rings, which we call Tyers. On each Tyer are dozens of scientifically engineered grooves, minutely calibrated to maximise grip and sensitivity to give you the most controlled, frictionless driving experience. We have . . . reinvented the wheel.
“For decades people have had to make do with BMWs and Ferraris but now there is Car. With Car we have taken the best of everything on the market and literally renamed it.
“The next thing I want to show you is the engine. I want to but I can’t because the engine is locked inside and you are not allowed to touch it. In fact, you are not allowed to look at it. But, if you were, you would see it was amazing.
“Some have noticed there is no electrical charger socket and that we’ve also removed the petrol cap. You’ve asked ‘how do I refill it?’. The answer is that you don’t. Car refills itself. But if for any reason you do find yourself out of power with only a traditional gas station in sight, you can refuel through the exhaust pipe with a new fuel converter dongle that we are selling for just $1,999.
“But the most exciting thing is in the software. Car is the most sophisticated driving machine ever created. Car is self-driving. Not only will it take you wherever you want to go but where you should want to go. And our new Car Genius will find the route with the best views.
“Car is also the most tax-efficient vehicle ever built. Because it is self-driving there is a question over whose control the car is under. This dual status means that neither of you is definitively liable for road tax.
“But even if you were to choose to pay, Car is eligible for the lowest vehicle tax anywhere in spite of the 500 horsepower V8 engine. This is because of our unique, beautiful corporate structure, which has located the intellectual property for Car at our European automotive HQ on the island of Sark.
“Car has also been programmed to minimise your exposure to congestion charging, toll roads and parking fines because although it has a physical presence on the roads it is officially registered to a small island in the Caribbean that has given it diplomatic immunity.
“Now look at the inside. We have ripped up the traditional car seats and come up with a completely new sedentary experience. It is the most comfortable, immersive and luxurious way to travel. We call it Seet. All Cars come with Seet but or our top-of-the-range model Seet is made with the finest Patagonian beechwood.
“Car has two price points. The main model retails at just $150,000. We also have a luxury gold version, with Seet, and without Apple Music, for just $550,000.
“Car is the future of motoring. Once you have Car you will never buy anything else. Until Car 2 or Car 2S, which will redefine the redefined experience and should be available in seven to nine months.”