Hercules is a pain in the brain and senses. 3D Greek mythology for action-needy morons: praise pre-civilisation and pelt the punter with effects. Spears, arrows, rocks rain down on us – or out at us – while the story and characterisation stand rigid in their starting blocks.
The title demigod is played by Dwayne “Rock” Johnson with a wig draping wooden features and a voice monotonously booming. The cinematography is muddy, the script moribund. You would never know from a film like this that 300 had been made. You would barely know the wheel had been invented.