Lombard Holdings is pleased to announce a £[insert large number] bid for [name of Premiership football club], one of the oldest and best-known names in world sport. Lombard’s chairman, Mr [potentate, prime minister or oligarch], said: “This bid represents the best solution for the future of [club] FC, its dedicated fans and shareholders.”

Lombard’s long-standing involvement in professional [water polo, ice-fishing, taekwondo, falconry – delete as appropriate] has only deepened the group’s admiration for [club]’s heritage and potential. This has underpinned our conviction that [club] will soon join Arsenal, Manchester United, Liverpool, Manchester City, Chelsea, Aston Villa, West Ham [insert other clubs we tried but failed to purchase] in the Premier League’s top three. Mr [potentate etc.] said: “I am a lifelong fan of [club] FC, and, like all football fans, enjoy nothing better than spending my hard-earned cash backing the faint hope of sporting success against impossible odds. Go, you blues [or reds]!”