I can exclusively reveal the title of Umberto Eco’s next novel. It will be called The Last Night of Napoleon. Or Copericu’s Lover. Or perhaps The Fall of Oscar Wilde’s House. Or then again maybe The Soul of Animals Revisited.

The nimble-thinking Italian novelist and professor of semiotics writes these alternatives on a small piece of paper he suddenly magics out of a pocket at the end of our lunch together at J. Sheekey, the fish restaurant in Covent Garden. The venue was my choice – a good one in terms of food and people-watching, but a disaster for an interview because of the deafening clatter-and-bray of fashionable lunching at small tables a few feet apart. Only our solo neighbour on the plush corner banquette is quiet: it is Michael Grade, executive chairman of ITV, waiting for his date. He tunes in to our conversation with an amused smile – and a glance of sympathy at me. He knows that deciphering my tape recording will be an ear-splitting experience.