I have learnt how to avoid being kidnapped by gun-toting Maoist guerrillas. I can now slalom my car through moving traffic, flip a hostile vehicle off the road by ramming it, and reverse into a 180-degree spin to escape a roadblock.

Admittedly, there is no history of guerrilla activity in the English suburb where I live. But the next time Tiffany Harbottle’s mum cuts me up during the school run, I’ll be ready.