The cabinet assembles. The prime minister opens the meeting, then a Downing Street aide walks in.
Aide: Sir Alan will see you now.
Brown: Er, we’re in the middle of a cabinet meeting.
Sugar bursts in: I don’t care if you’re in the middle of a bloody prayer meeting.
Brown: Er, Alan
Sugar: Sir Alan.
Brown: This is a cabinet meeting and you aren’t in the cabinet. Let’s get my office to fix up breakfast.
Sugar: Don’t give me all that. They may call me Sugar but, let me tell you son, I ain’t that sweet.
Brown: You can’t come to cabinet; you’re not a minister, you’re a tsar.
Sugar: I know I am. I’m on bloody prime time. Now let’s talk about this week’s task. Who was in charge?
Brown: I was, er, am.
Sugar: You sure about that? Don’t look that way to me. Anyway (turns to cabinet) So . . . good team leader? (silence) Well don’t all speak at once.
Miliband: I think he is the right man to lead at this time.
Sugar: Not exactly a ringing endorsement, is it? From what I hear you’re desperate to get rid of him.
Miliband: Well actually . . . 
Sugar: No. I’m talking now. How’s the Afghan war going? You see, I did a bit of checking and it’s still on. You was given this task over a year ago and frankly I ain’t seeing a lot of progress. All I’ve seen is you standing around with a banana and last time I looked you weren’t a bloody greengrocer. Now, this week’s task was to refresh a tired product. So, you Brown, what d’you choose?
Brown: The cabinet.
Sugar: You went for a reshuffle but from what I hear it was a bloody shambles. You got rid of a load of people who never did nothing and replaced them with a load of people I never ’eard of: total lightweights. Who’s your chancellor? Same as last week. Who’s your foreign secretary? Same as last week? Not much of a reshuffle is it?
Brown: They wanted to stay put.
Sugar: And I want to marry Ginger Rogers. Are you in charge or not? I tell you, at this rate you’ll be on the phone to Jacqui Smith for help ’cos you’re fast going down the plughole. Brown: We had one other thing. We created a new enterprise tsar to grab some headlines.
Sugar: And what does he do?
Brown: Nothing really. Pops up on TV, says nice things about the government and, once we’re fed up with him, we stick him on a bus to nowhere and call it a roadshow – like we used to do with John Prescott.
Sugar: Don’t sound all that to me.
Brown: It comes with a peerage.
Sugar: You’re hired.

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