Five stars for the right mix of guests

Another week and it’s another sunny day on the lofty perch high above the Med. I’m trying very hard to savour every second of this last day of holiday as I know that by the time this edition is rolling off the presses and going online I’ll be on the London-Hong Kong shuttle kicking off a sweaty tour of Asia. I’m already thinking of ways I might be able to keep this blissful moment going over the weekend so if you know of a hotel outside of Hong Kong that resembles the Il San Pietro in Italy in every detail and comes with a fleet of handsome craft for zipping around the South China Sea, then please let me know. Somehow I don’t think that lying poolside at the Grand Hyatt Hong Kong is going to have quite the same effect.

Hoteliers spend a lot of time working on both the software and hardware to make for the perfect stay – at least, the best ones do. Newspapers and magazines devote countless column inches in their travel pages covering these developments at various hotels featuring the latest spa with yet another interpretation of a hot-stone treatment (how much room is there for innovation when it comes to lining up warm stones along a guest’s spine?), groundbreaking showers that reverse the ageing process and communications technology so smart you can order room service via Wi-Fi just by blinking the number of the item on the menu. Happy customers will spread the word by talking up the food, the service and the breathtaking views.

Rarely, however, is there much discussion about the most important and uncontrollable element of all – the guests themselves. For all the websites devoted to peer reviews and all the guidebooks that make bookshop shelves sag, there’s little space given to the types of people that a certain hotel attracts or repels.

It’s controversial territory to start ranking hotels by the quality of the guests but then that’s also part of the fun. I’m convinced that if I launched a series of guidebooks and accompanying website to support this idea there’d be no shortage of special interest groups lobbying for its closure because it would be seen as ageist, sexist, racist, anti-silicone, anti-Botox, homophobic and toddler-intolerant. It would also be highly readable and before long would be available in over 16 languages.

If a hotel can get all the basics right, then all that’s left to ensure that you return season after season are the quality of guests you’ll be lying next to by the sea, perusing the breakfast buffet with at 8am and gently smiling at when you share the lift. But how does a good general manager attract the right crowd?

It seems many a general manager sees each client as an ingredient in the creation of a rather grand dish. Most will tell you that, like any sensible diet, it comes down to the simple law of portion control. Too many of any one group and you’ll create a ghetto that will alienate newcomers, so it’s key to monitor names and nationalities when taking bookings.

“Can you spell the last name, please? Ah, Kamov. I’m so sorry Mr Kamov, but we’re fully booked at that time ... Yes, yes I understand that you’d like the biggest suite and will pay cash but unfortunately we have some guests who’ve been taking that same room for the past 15 years and we welcome them back season after season ... I’m sure they’d love to hear from you, too, Mr Kamov, but there’s no way I can give out their details, but of course I can mention it to them ... No, no they really don’t need the cash, trust me ... Of course we’ll keep your name on file and should something become available we’ll look at our waiting list ... No, Mr Kamov, we’re not interested in selling our hotel. Goodbye, Mr Kamov.”

Once a hotel has achieved a perfect balance of quiet Kuwaitis, sociable Brits, chic Italians, elegant Turks and literary Americans, a GM can focus on the tinier details.

“You need an adjoining room for your children? Hmmmmmm ... it doesn’t look like we’ll be able to accommodate you during the dates you’ve specified. I’m very sorry ... They’re only two and three? That’s such a delightful age but I don’t think you’ll all fit into one room ... Hmmmmm ... I’m just checking and it looks like there’s nothing available until, ummmm, they’re 12 and 13.”

Not every hotel needs to play with the ingredients quite so much (clients are perhaps less bothered about the mix of guests when they’re breezing in and out of a business hotel) but come summer, when everyone is in search of a solid stretch of relax and recharge time, getting the right amount of spice, sweetness, colour and texture into the client mix is essential.

I’m going to miss the lovely lady at Il San Pietro who owned the prime patch of sun in her turban and chic sundresses, the Italian trio with the perfectly behaved son and the newlyweds from North Carolina with the right choice of reading material for day and perfect heels by night – on her, at least.

Tyler Brûlé is editor-in-chief of Monocle

tyler.brule@ft.com

More columns at www.ft.com/brule