I can tell it’s either mid-term school holidays, or some other period that will soon see many readers’ air miles accounts wiped to zero, when travel requests come thick and fast to the Fast Lane Global Concierge Service. I’ve been lobbying my editors to set up a call centre in Manila to deal with the sheer volume of requests, but for now my pleas have fallen on deaf ears – so apologies if requests are not answered within 90 minutes. However, as many requests do fall into frequently asked questions territory, the following might save you a bit of time:

Where do you stay in New York at the moment?
On my next trip I’m thinking of trying The Crosby or The Mark.I need five days of sun and a bit of adventure.

Where should I go?
Beirut. Perfect this time of year.

When you fly domestically in the US, which airline do you fly with?
Pass.

A good hotel in Singapore?
I’ve recently swapped to the Grand Hyatt after a long run with the Four Seasons.

What about Hong Kong?
The Grand Hyatt too but I’ve heard excellent reports from many readers about the Upper House.

I’m going to Los Angeles on business for three days and need a hotel that’s good for both work and play. Any thoughts?
Hmmm ... postpone for two years and wait till the Bel-Air reopens.

I want to take my wife to Paris for the weekend. How should I do it?
I’d say the George V for sheer over-the-topness and people-watching, lunch at Noura, a treat from Goyard and dinner at Ferdi.

If none of the above helps, my inbox is wide open but I am thinking of issuing some type of advisory for services I can and can’t offer. So far it goes something like this:

1. Do not mistake tyler.brule@ft.com for the American Express Centurion concierge hotline, the travel advisory desks of the US State Department or the Foreign Office or for Lufthansa’s Miles More travel points redemption centre. I cannot advise on the political climate of certain hotspots (well, I can but I’d rather not). And I can’t help you when your upgrade passes are not accepted on a sub-affiliate airline in the Star Alliance network.

2. I’m no good at children’s activities and travel planning for toddlers. If you start a letter with “I want to take my husband, newborn and six-year-old twins on a rail tour of Turkey ... ” I might either hit the delete button by mistake or gently refer you to a travel Q&A page at another newspaper.

3. Do not ask me about China. I’ve never been.

4. Do not up-sell me on China either. This column is watched by readers who look to me like they’re on a retainer with Beijing and seize any opportunity to go on the attack when I say nice things about Japan or Taiwan. This is no way to get me on a flight to Shanghai or Beijing.

5. Do not ask me about India. I’ve been but we didn’t get on so well.

6. Do ask me about favourite airlines, airports and service at 36,000 feet. Opinions change daily, so feel free to check in from time to time, but there aren’t enough hours in a day to respond to laundry lists or read e-mails that fill more than a screen.

7. Disclaimer: the Fast Lane Global Concierge Service cannot be held responsible if you don’t agree with the opinion of the columnist. All tips are dispensed free of charge, so please regard the FLGCS as a not-for-profit organisation.

8. Flattery will get you everywhere. Good manners too. You might wish to comment on a column you enjoyed or declare how this is your favourite part of FT Weekend. At the same time, a few well-placed “pleases” and “thank yous” work wonders and will always generate a speedier response. E-mails that read: “Going to HK. Need a good bar. Where do you go?” are not the way forward.

9. tyler.brule@ft.com is not an escort service. I’m happy to do speeches, to chair debates, to cut ribbons and to attend charity auctions but I can’t be booked for birthday lunches, host shopping tours through Ginza, MC at going away bashes or join couples “for special dinners”. Nor can I pimp out friends in far-flung cities to do the same – even though I know a few who would love to. Perhaps at some point later in life this could all prove to be both fun and highly lucrative but for the moment I can only manage the odd corporate gig.

10. I’ve only once been to the English countryside – so I can’t assist with quaint B&Bs, holiday house rentals, cosy pubs or stately homes. Requests for ryokans in obscure corners of Kyushu are more my bag.

Tyler Brûlé is editor-in-chief of Monocle

tyler.brule@ft.com
More columns at www.ft.com/brule