May 30, 2012 7:51 pm

Donald Trump and the lunatic fringe

The businessman faces growing demands to prove his hair is US-born

Donald Trump has resumed his “birther” campaign questioning whether President Obama was really born in the United States.

Donald Trump was last night facing growing demands to produce a full follicle certificate after allegations that his hair was, in fact, born outside of the country.

For some years now The Donald has been assailed by allegations that though he was born in New York his hair hails from Scotland. Members of the so-called “weaver” movement have refused to accept assurances that all of his implausibly styled Barnet was born in the US. In an effort to end the controversy, the property magnate even allowed some strands to be plucked and sent for testing. The tests proved positive and Mr Trump was hoping the results would end the controversy. However, his opponents including Barack Obama – sometimes mentioned as a future host of The Apprentice – say Mr Trump has still not put the issue to rest.

They now accept that some of his hair may be American but say that this does not prove all of it is. Mr Obama has sent investigators to Scotland, birthplace of Mr Trump’s mother, to investigate suggestions that land purchased by the magnate has secretly been turned into a hair farm. They say they will not be satisfied until every hair on his head has been pulled out and chemically tested for its place of origin.

Rumours have swirled about Mr Trump’s hair ever since he was sworn in as host of The Apprentice. He insists that his unique coiffure is styled each week at Garren’s on Fifth Avenue, however, while “weavers” do not dispute that the appointments take place each week they insist that he has been seen dining downtown at the same time.

Mr Trump has also faced religious controversy with critics insisting that his hair is secretly Muslim. The Donald is adamant that every inch of him is Presbyterian but some on the Locks News Network have quoted former employees who say his hair always sleeps facing Mecca.

Planning for Grexit

David Cameron has held meetings to discuss contingency planning for the UK economy if Greece exits the euro.

From Cabinet Secretary
To: David Cameron

Prime minister, you asked for a minute summing up our contingency plans for Greek exit We have a number of measures ready should we need to act. These can only mitigate the impact of a financial crisis but if things do go the way of the Titanic, we will at least have a few hot water bottles for the cabins.

Banx cartoon

Sir Mervyn King briefed us on the Bank of England’s contingency plans. These include a further raft of quantitative easing and moves to ensure liquidity in the banking system. He followed up our meeting with a note suggesting other steps we could take, including flooding the Bank of England with extra powers and forcing the Treasury to direct all advice through him. He also noted that at the moment of greatest fear, Greece had turned to a central bank governor to lead them through the crisis. He wanted you to know he stands ready to assume the mantle of power . . . as long as it does not clash with Wimbledon fortnight.

The foreign secretary then briefed on plans to evacuate UK citizens from Greece. He noted that our new aircraft carrier will not be able to get there until 2018, which might be too long to ask them to wait. So he has persuaded the organisers of the Queen’s jubilee celebrations to reroute Sunday’s commemorative flotilla from the Thames to the Aegean to await further instructions. He was confident we can get all UK nationals out of the country within 48 hours. Unfortunately he cannot say how long it will take for them to clear immigration in Britain.

The home secretary confirmed her plans to treat exit from the euro as if it were exit from the EU, closing borders to Greeks and citizens of any other nations that leave the single currency. She knows this is illegal under EU law but by the time a case has worked its way through the European Court of Justice they will all have settled in Germany anyway.

We discussed the idea of a leaflet to every home advising citizens how to prepare for the worst. Tips would include; do not accept Greek euros, do not pay in advance for a Greek holiday and stock up on feta.

The Treasury noted that if a eurozone crisis leads to a prolonged slump here we may see people losing their homes and having very little money for food. A case for softening the tax treatment of hot pasties and caravans, perhaps, if you were looking for an excuse for a U-turn.

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