Dear David Cameron,

I recently discovered that we are cousins. So far the consanguineous tie has not resulted in any response to or acknowledgement of various e-mails I have sent to your office. I realise you have had a tough, toff-bashing press from some of my colleagues, but I can assure you I am trying to raise constructive points, not to revive an old class war that would leave us both at the business end of a tumbril.