Normally, if someone was to give me a large sum of money, say £1m or so, I’d be quite pleased. But if I was an investment banker, I probably wouldn’t be. Just like the thousands of them who at this time of year will be receiving more than £1m, I’d be eaten up with insecurity, envy and greed.

The granting of investment bank bonuses is one of the rummest compensation systems ever. In fact, it’s not a system at all: it is a ruinously expensive, tiring and highly political game in which almost everyone emerges a loser. The rules of the game aren’t obvious to the outsider, but last week I took some lessons from a couple of master players and I think I can now explain roughly how to play.